i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
This is classic penis vs brain.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
