I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
