I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
