U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
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while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
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So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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