When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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