I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
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A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
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Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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