she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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