if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
There are leaves in my underwear?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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