Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
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