we need to drink 2009 down the drain
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
40s are totally the cure
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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