Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
