After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
