I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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