Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I love having hate sex.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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