It's like God shit irony all over that family
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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