Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
