I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
