I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
