I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
