so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
