My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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