I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
