your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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