I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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