My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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