PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
