just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
