I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
