last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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