Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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