i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
