Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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