That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
