if i died would you start the facebook group?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
