yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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