just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
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That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
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I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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