Umm I'm too high to move.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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