I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
