he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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