i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
