I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
