Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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