A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I think my fart just growled at me.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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