Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
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He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
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Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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