: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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