peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
