I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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