All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
