You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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