No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Every concussion has its silver lining
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
