I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
