i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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