I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
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