I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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