theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
