i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
