There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
