just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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