my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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